| | Author | Message |
|---|
BoB
  
 
| | #1 posted April 10, 2007 at 2:37am (EDT) |
warning if you are not presently a nut job dont read this itll just fudge up your head.
i once had the notion that i understood perpetual motion,maybe more accurately,the
gyroscopic affect of being a living breathing human being.as quick as it came to me,it was
gone again.this perfectly balanced thought had faded,a perfectly balanced and rational
sense of understanding.i felt,for once,at peace with the things around me and the world i
existed in at that very moment.
Ive never tried to express that experience in words of any kind,thats not my style.on my
own and all alone im quiet as a church mouse,with a really big radio.in some ways i choose
to allow the music to speak for me,at other times it is perhaps a filler for that base
need for human contact.what i mean here is that i rarely speak aloud,never really have
been big on talking.i find that i quite enjoy typing as a way of communicating.
ive had many of these epiphany-ish moments,when the hardest things were absolutely clear
to me.i was born a weird child so having trippy moments has never been new to me.once
every now and again though,its like magic,an instant of bliss that i want to remain
forever wrapped in,but the moment is fleeting at best.
I was raised living in a three bedroom house with my grandmother and grandfather and four
of my mom's five brothers and my great uncle.the oldest son moved to minnesota and does
quite well there as the deacon of his church.me and my uncles shared a room with army type
cots,maybe they were army cots,for each of us.as long as i can remember we got up everyday
and went out to do yards,cut trees,wreck old houses to re-use the wood for pallets to sell
or whatever my grandfather came up with.
as my uncles got married the group of workers got smaller,we started cutting trees all
summer long and hauling the brush to the dump then cutting and stacking the trunks.this
way we had wood to sell in winter,always thought that was kinda slick of him.we used a
hammer and steel wedges to split the wood up so it could dry.it wasnt long before the
neighbors called the police anytime we were splitting logs.
my gramma(what i called her)was pissed all the time about the amount of crap we would
drag home.i still to this day cannot leave a broken shelf in a dumpster,at the very least its a good flat board.
we carried on like this for years we were pretty happy,occasionally my uncle would buy
goats or cows for us to tend,we always did pretty well off that.i remember there were
horses once but i was really young and scared straight of horses,i had a dream that one
chased me knocked me down and was eating me.i am very leery of them this many years later.
a guy worked with us for a long time,we called him fats,he had two teeth in his head but
that man could tear up some churchs fried chicken.one of the jolliest men ive ever
known,nothing could erase his smile,outside of open aggression and noone aggressed fats.
he used to have this beat up old truck and we would ride home and stop and get a two piece
as a precursor to dinner.i was seven or eight,bet your ass i had me some chicken and
fries.
i miss those times and people,we were beset on all sides by those better off than us and
not letting us forget it types.but we actually were happy i mean in our minds and hearts
we were content,at peace even.occasionally it crosses my mind,what if i had come from
money?would i be who i am?i dont think so,i think this is the path that i was destined to
follow.in this world of extremes i am the embodiement of "love me or hate me"i walk this
earth a man as god intended i should.obviously im not always right,im mostly not right,ill
be the first to admit it.im not shy of being wrong,im shy of not trying.
I refuse to fight a war of wits with the unarmed. | BoB
| | #2 posted April 11, 2007 at 1:01pm (EDT) |
i was just thinking about another guy that used to cut yards with us when i was real small his name was roland,his thing was getting me stoned from a soda can and watching me act a complete fool.I miss that guy.no idea if hes even alive anymore.how do we lose connections with people?was there never really a bond there or is bonding amongst people a passing thing?he had a brother too but he was a fudging dunce,never liked that one.id like to dig up some pics from then and post them for the giggle factor.somewhere there are pics of me at five or six with very light hair they always make laugh i look blonde in them.every pic ive seen from my early childhood im dirty,snot nosed and not wearing shoes.that also makes me laugh.
my great uncle who lived in the house with us was dying of emphysema he had oxygen bottles and stuff but no nurse coming by,and i remember him telling me that an asylum was his only other option.at the time it made me proud that i was helping to save him from a prison full of lunatics.i also remember the night the ambulance came to take him away,i swear on my soul he came into the room and woke me up to say goodbye of course that wasnt possible as the slightest movement caused him alot of pain.ill always remember stealing tomatoes from the neighbors gardens for him to eat when wed sit in the backyard and hang out.seems i was the only one around with him most of the time and he loved those dam cherry tomatoes.
ever wonder if we really do get to see our peoples again?i do all the time,its hard for me to connect with strangers and i feel really alone sometimes.
i dont mean connect as to be pals,i mean connect as to be my people.
several years went by until my grandfather passed,on that day we had been out cutting grass and when we came home he stopped on the porch and grabbed the railing there,he was leaning into the yard throwing up,more like retching,it was that exact moment that i knew he was dying.they took him to county and less than two hours later he wasnt able to speak.my uncle walked me into the room they had tubes and crap all over my god,my liege lord if you will.i died a little bit that day and a little more with each memory of it.he really was my best friend.my most beloved people.i always told him i loved him i mean like everyday i was around him whether we were going seperate ways or it was just nighttime i made sure to always tell him i loved him.in that hospital room i was speechless,i was reduced to a sniveling baby.i dont have any memory of walking out of that room,i just remember my uncle saying to me"he can hear you richy just say something".
not long after that i turned to crap,i drank everyday and smoked two packs of cigs a day,took anything that even resembled a pill i guess i just collapsed from the inside out.i think i was 15 or so a year later my natural father called my mom and asked if he could see me before he died,my stepdad was a kickass dude.even after my dad threatened to kill him and my mom,he still loaded up this big dodge van we had and drove us to north carolina.it was a different thing seeing someone i had little to no connection with dying and i was probably stoned anyway so my feelings were twisted anyway.he was actually released a few days later and me and my sister got to spend a day with him at his house before we left to come back here.a few days after we were home my aunt called to say he was gone.i felt nothing.
my stepdad"james"spent the next stack of years trying to teach me not to hate i guess maybe it worked to some degree.when james passed i was 32 i believe.he had an aneurysm and needed intense home care or to be put in a hospital place.he was ex military so they offered to teach me what i needed to know to care for him.they told me on day one it wouldnt be easy and because he was a big guy that there was no way my mom could be left alone with him if he tried to walk out of his wheelchair and fell on her theyd both be stuck on the floor till someone found them.i got my paints and my cds and the wife got a few things from our apartment barely a single truck full.i think the tv was the biggest thing we took from there.i gave the maintenance guys my keys and made them the deal that they could have all my crap if theyd clean it up a bit.and we moved in with my parents and i started learning how to do what needed doing.after nearly a year past his surgery he still wasnt able to walk or talk right but i kept with it as best i could.then out of the blue he went comatose and died a day later.hes the guy that taught me how to cook good looking meals that taste excellent.
in rapid succesion my grandmother died two of my uncles died weeks apart and my grandmothers oldest brother was the last to pass in that cluster.there were funerals every month or so it seemed.its been almost 9 years now.
anyway im just writing these things because i feel a need to say them,theirs no real need to reply to or even to read this stuff.but i dont mind if you do.
I refuse to fight a war of wits with the unarmed. | _kate_
 
 
| | #3 posted April 19, 2007 at 5:29pm (EDT) |
I read them...
...and they made me cry like the girl that I am.
I effin' love you, virtuadept. | BoB
| | #4 posted April 19, 2007 at 5:32pm (EDT) |
such is life as they say
I refuse to fight a war of wits with the unarmed. | Shadowchemist
 
| | #5 posted April 19, 2007 at 5:43pm (EDT) |
I have stories like that....
Life on the Rez was good for me..... | BoB
| | #6 posted April 19, 2007 at 5:45pm (EDT) |
you should pen them id be interested in reading your stuff
I refuse to fight a war of wits with the unarmed. | _kate_
| | #7 posted April 19, 2007 at 5:59pm (EDT) |
I don't really have stories. That bothers me a little. =/
I effin' love you, virtuadept. | Shadowchemist
| | #8 posted April 19, 2007 at 6:00pm (EDT) |
because your a newfie.
| BoB
| | #9 posted April 19, 2007 at 6:03pm (EDT) |
kate whyd you leave chat?im hurt now 
everyone has stories and sometimes its cathartic to let them out.
I refuse to fight a war of wits with the unarmed. | Shadowchemist
| | #10 posted April 19, 2007 at 8:44pm (EDT) |
Im pretty sure i have some stories...
just cant really remember much, I mostly remember about me and my Grampa. good times. 
I rememebr I used to run off with his dentures lol | BoB
| | #11 posted April 19, 2007 at 9:03pm (EDT) |
haha do tell
I refuse to fight a war of wits with the unarmed. | kzn
 
 
| | #12 posted April 20, 2007 at 1:15am (EDT) |
That was seriously TLDR. Sorry Bob.
| BoB
| | #13 posted April 20, 2007 at 1:27am (EDT) |
it clearly states that its here for me not you and your funky abbreviations that i had to google to even understand them.
but i still love you anyway
I refuse to fight a war of wits with the unarmed. | kzn
| | #14 posted April 20, 2007 at 1:32am (EDT) |
I feel like writing my own story now, but I also want to go to sleep. Usually I just let my writing urges go away, I dont suppose that's a good thing. Perhaps I should become a writer, I do enjoy it a lot, just that I always get discourage. I can prolly write a damn book about myself, a very boring one.
| kzn
| | #15 posted April 20, 2007 at 1:32am (EDT) |
I will go to bed now.
| BoB
| | #16 posted April 20, 2007 at 1:33am (EDT) |
lets find out,everything required is in your head right this moment.tell us a little something.
I refuse to fight a war of wits with the unarmed. | Shadowchemist
| | #17 posted April 20, 2007 at 3:21pm (EDT) |
I remember this one time when I was running to my mosoms (cree for grampa and i liked calling him that) house. It was like 50ft away or so. Where I live, it's a small town even smaller back then. I ran to it and before i got to the house I ran into some stray dogs. I was scared crapless, and then my mosom came out with a sling shot and shot the dogs. heh, I went inside and had me some fried bannock (a bread of some sort) with wild bluebaeery jam and Tea. He told me alot of stories later on. I miss those days for sure. Everything was alot less complicated than. NO need for computers or anything like that. As long as you had family and worked hard, you would survive.
good times.
I certainly miss my mosom. | BoB
| | #18 posted April 20, 2007 at 3:42pm (EDT) |
nice id like to hear any of the stories he told you if you remember them.
I refuse to fight a war of wits with the unarmed. | Guru
| | #19 posted April 21, 2007 at 1:45am (EDT) |
BoB get a DS | BoB
| | #20 posted April 21, 2007 at 2:50am (EDT) |
no i have a life
I refuse to fight a war of wits with the unarmed. | Guru
| | #21 posted April 21, 2007 at 3:48am (EDT) |
I disagree. |
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