General

Topic   Tell a Joke Thread

MrBean
GameTZ Gold Subscriber 350 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (7) Has Written 1 Review
* 20-Sep-2021(#1)
Converting to open thread for now.

---

Reviving, new offering in June 2022. Will keep open for a week or so and give a year of sub time to best entry!

-------------------------- original topic and winner

Various threads lately for subtime. A years subtime for best joke by end of week.

I'm easily amused so anything goes!

Go!

---

Winner @sdwyer138

"Did you know there actually is a difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
.
.
.
.
No, what is the difference?
.
.
.
.
I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face."
Scott
GameTZ Subscriber 250 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally Has Written 2 Reviews
21-Sep-2021(#2)
An Illinois man left the snowballed streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida.

His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day.

When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory.

Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife, whose husband had passed away only the day before.

When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Your Loving Husband.

PS: Sure is hot down here!
loztdogs
GameTZ Subscriber Quadruple Gold Good Trader
21-Sep-2021(#3)
Guy walks into a bar and orders a drink.

While at the bar, the man takes notice of a pirate standing nearby with a ships steering wheel sticking out of the pirates ass.

The man says to the pirate... um hey do you know there's a steering wheel sticking out of your ass?

The pirate replies... Arrrrrr it's driving me nutz!

dunno001
250 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally
21-Sep-2021(#4)
I guess I can try a quick one:

Why did the classic gamer marry his Nintendo?

Because it was WedNESday

theJaw
GameTZ Subscriber Triple Gold Good Trader
21-Sep-2021(#5)
Never said we had to write the joke damnitall:

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, and the podiatrist's office says, "What seems to be the problem, moth?"

The moth says "What's the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I don't even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don't know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there... at night I...I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that's on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don't know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the...in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch... I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I... that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn't such a coward, then perhaps...perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all...Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I'm a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I'm not feeling good. And so the doctor says, "Moth, man, you're troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?"

And the moth says, "'Cause the light was on."


Tbh I just wanted a reason to read that joke in text form.
metsfan718

(frozen)
21-Sep-2021(#6)
Midget was talking to his friend. The midgets friend made a joke which made him laugh.

The midget said "You're too much"

His friend then responded with "Then you're too little"
theJaw
GameTZ Subscriber Triple Gold Good Trader
21-Sep-2021(#7)
Kommie
250 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader
(frozen)
21-Sep-2021(#8)
nt22 and his junk thread still exists.

That's my joke.
bluemetal04
Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally
21-Sep-2021(#9)
I'm going to spoil the first episode of the upcoming Obi-Wan show for you. This message was given to me from a Disney employee, who personally saw the script.

In the beginning of episode 1, Obi-Wan beats his wife, because she wouldn't cook for him. Knowing that he would turn to the dark side if he didn't leave her, he packed up his things and left. We then discover that he moved to a house next to young Luke's, not only to protect him from the evil red hat wearing slave owners, but also to have sex with him.

Poor baby Luke, the force was really strong with Obi-Wan.
DrizzDrizzDrizz
Double Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally Croatia
21-Sep-2021(#10)
This thread is gonna test MrBean's "I'm easily amused" statement
shadyfozzie
Triple Gold Good Trader
21-Sep-2021(#11)
Guy #1: Hey, you wanna hear my Batman impersonation?
Guy #2: Sure, let me hear it.
Guy #1: [clears throat].... OH NO, KRYPTONITE!!!! AAAAAHHHH
Guy #2: That's Superman...
Guy #1: Thanks!! I've been working on it all week...
sa330206
500 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader
21-Sep-2021(#12)
Gamestop stock prices in 2021 haha
MrBean
GameTZ Gold Subscriber 350 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (7) Has Written 1 Review
21-Sep-2021(#13)
DrizzDrizzDrizz wrote:
> This thread is gonna test MrBean's "I'm easily amused" statement

Haha
lpeters82
250 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader
* 21-Sep-2021(#14)
My go to clean joke:

A snail is robbed by two turtles. The police show up and ask, "What happened?" The snail just looks down, shakes his head and says, "I don't know, it all happened so fast."
lpeters82
250 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader
* 21-Sep-2021(#15)
Reddit's favorite joke:

Three men are hiking when they stumble upon a old brass lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each of you three wishes."

The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact one billion three dollars and fifty cents.

The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is in excess of a one hundred billion dollars.

The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.

First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.

Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.

Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay young forever." POOF, he looks younger already.

Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth for the rest of my life." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."

Second guy smiles and says "I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest person alive and I'm revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is wild in bed."

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:

"Guys, I think I fudgeed up!!!"
sdwyer138
GameTZ Subscriber Quadruple Gold Good Trader
21-Sep-2021(#16)
Did you know there actually is a difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
.
.
.
.
No, what is the difference?
.
.
.
.
I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
Chad
GameTZ Gold Subscriber Double Gold Good Trader
21-Sep-2021(#17)
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.

The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. They were sent on 3 large ships and with 10 supply wagons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires on a single ship with 3 supply wagons. The third kingdom sent but a single elderly knight and squire on a row boat with but a sack full of provisions. The first night on the island all the knights were together sharing stories before the bloodshed when the elderly night say "Woe to ye, thieves on this island be." Ignoring the ramblings of the old man, the other knights and squires drank the night away while the elderly knight and his squire set camp elsewhere and hung a noose over a tree as a warning sign to the thieves.

The next day the drunken knights wake up to find all of their weapons and armor gone and are in a foul mood. They begin beating their squires for letting their property be taken but ultimately don't mind as the numbers are in their favor and the island will soon be theirs. Soon the knights of the first two kingdoms are reveling again when the elderly knight comes and says "thieves are not the only thing to worry about here, remember, this is called Rat Island. The knights laugh at the old fool, they never heard anyone call this rat island.

But unfettered the elderly night takes his squire once again on their own. They cook their remaining provisions and tie up the pot and hang it high in a tree so that the rats can't get to it.

That night rats got into the food of all the other kingdoms and left their foul droppings everywhere. Being disgusting medieval folk the knights don't care and within hours of eating the rate feces infested food all the knights are falling sick.

However it is the day of the battle. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much and were too full of rat feces and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.

The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.

And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Archer
GameTZ Subscriber 500 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Has Written 1 Review
21-Sep-2021(#18)
@Chad you magnificent son of a dog.
SilverOwl
250 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Secret Santa
21-Sep-2021(#19)
A blonde and brunette were walking down the sidewalk, when the brunette says, look, a dead bird! And the blonde looks up and says where?
theJaw
GameTZ Subscriber Triple Gold Good Trader
21-Sep-2021(#20)
Because the bird would be on the ground, I get it.
Porksta
GameTZ Subscriber 400 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally
21-Sep-2021(#21)
Women's rights.
theJaw
GameTZ Subscriber Triple Gold Good Trader
* 21-Sep-2021(#22)
MAGA dorks. wink

Jk calm down everyone.
MrBean
GameTZ Gold Subscriber 350 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (7) Has Written 1 Review
21-Sep-2021(#23)
@lpeters82 Jesus christ that was stupid, yet I legit lol'd. I was waiting for some turn of events that the third dudes actions would lead to something greater.
back4more
400 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader
* 21-Sep-2021(#24)
Out in the woods of Alabama ....

Jim walks over to his new neighbor Ronny's house and invites him over to a party he's having the next night.
Ronny - "cool, I haven't been to a party in quite a while"
Jim - "there's probably going to be quite a bit of drinking"
Ronny - "great cause I haven't gotten drunk in ages"
Jim - "probably gonna be some screwing"
Ronny - "awesome, I need to get laid"
Jim - "gotta warn ya though, there might be some fightin"
Ronny - "ok, I haven't been in a brawl in years but I'm down. By the way, what should I wear?"
Jim - "don't really matter, just gonna be me and you"
Chad
GameTZ Gold Subscriber Double Gold Good Trader
21-Sep-2021(#25)
What's the difference between an epileptic corn farmer and a prostitute with diarrhea?

One shucks between fits...
Porksta
GameTZ Subscriber 400 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally
21-Sep-2021(#26)
Two muffins are in an oven. First muffin says, boy it sure is hot in here. Second muffin says HOLY CRAP A TALKING MUFFIN!
MikeyWhoa
Triple Gold Good Trader
21-Sep-2021(#27)
A Preacher, a Priest, and a Rabbit all walk into a bar.

The Rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo."
theJaw
GameTZ Subscriber Triple Gold Good Trader
22-Sep-2021(#28)
DrizzDrizzDrizz wrote:
> This thread is gonna test MrBean's "I'm easily amused" statement
Chad
GameTZ Gold Subscriber Double Gold Good Trader
22-Sep-2021(#29)
A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:

"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."

He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."

"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."

"But ya fudge one goat.."
Chad
GameTZ Gold Subscriber Double Gold Good Trader
22-Sep-2021(#30)
A family walks into a hotel and the father goes to the front desk and he says "I hope the porn is disabled." The guy at the desk replies. "It's just regular porn you sick fudge."
theJaw
GameTZ Subscriber Triple Gold Good Trader
22-Sep-2021(#31)
RyoHazuki
GameTZ Subscriber Silver Good Trader
22-Sep-2021(#32)
Have you been on Cherry Hill?

One day, a boy walked into class late. "Why are you late?" The teacher asks. "I was on top of Cherry Hill." He takes his seat. 5 minutes later, another boy walks into class late. "Why are you late?" The teacher asks. "I was on top of Cherry Hill." He takes his seat. 5 minutes later, a girl walks into class late. "Now let me guess .. you were on top of Cherry Hill?" "No, I am Cherry Hill."
Tony
Double Gold Good Trader
22-Sep-2021(#33)
MikeyWhoa wrote:
> A Preacher, a Priest, and a Rabbit all walk into a bar.
>
> The Rabbit says, "I think I'm a typo."

That should read that they walk into a blood drive and the rabbit says "I believe I am a type O."
benstylus
GameTZ Gold Subscriber GameTZ Full Moderator 550 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (9) Has Written 26 Reviews This user is on the site NOW (6 minutes ago)
22-Sep-2021(#34)
What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?


People from Dubai don't usually like the Flintstones, but people from Abu Dhabi do!


Tony
Double Gold Good Trader
22-Sep-2021(#35)
Two Irishmen are the only ones in a bar. One of them says, "Is that an Irish accent I'm hearin'?" The other one replies, "Born and raised there". The first one declares, "So was I. Bartender, I'd like to buy a beer for my countryman". The second Irishman says, "Thanks for the drink. By the way, where are you from in Ireland?" The first one says, "County Cork". "So was I! Bartender! Another round for my friend here." They go back and forth for awhile buying a beer for each other as they find they have a lot in common. Finally the phone rings. The bartender answers and after a moment he says, "No. Its pretty quiet here. Just the O'Malley twins - drunk as usual."
Tony
Double Gold Good Trader
22-Sep-2021(#36)
Heisenberg, Ohm and Schrodinger are in a car. They get pulled over.

Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"

"No, but I know exactly where I am," Heisenberg replies.

The cop says, "You were doing 55 in a 35."

Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, "Great! Now I'm lost!"

The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks it out and says, "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"

"We do now, a$$hole!" shouts Schrodinger, getting belligerent.

The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.
Chad
GameTZ Gold Subscriber Double Gold Good Trader
22-Sep-2021(#37)
Tony wrote:
> Heisenberg, Ohm and Schrodinger are in a car. They get pulled over.
>
> Heisenberg is driving, and the cop asks him, "Do you know how fast you were going?"
>
> "No, but I know exactly where I am," Heisenberg replies.
>
> The cop says, "You were doing 55 in a 35."
>
> Heisenberg throws up his hands and shouts, "Great! Now I'm lost!"
>
> The cop thinks this is suspicious and orders him to pop open the trunk. He checks
> it out and says, "Do you know you have a dead cat back here?"
>
> "We do now, a$$hole!" shouts Schrodinger, getting belligerent.
>
> The cop moves to arrest them. Ohm resists.

i like this joke, it seems the order is wrong though. dead cat reaction should be the closer. the ohm groaner at the end hurts the overall joke imo.
Alaisiagae
GameTZ Subscriber Double Gold Good Trader
22-Sep-2021(#38)
I once told a chemistry joke but there wasn't any reaction.


I had to look up the joke because all I remember is the punchline. I think there might be more than one version of this joke:
Every morning the Trids got up, ate breakfast, and marched over the bridge to Tridville to work. One morning, a troll moved in under the bridge. When the Trids tried to cross the bridge, the troll climbed up and kicked the Trids all the way back to their homes. The Trids decided to take the day off in hopes that the troll would go away, but the next morning the troll once again climbed up onto the bridge and kicked them back to their homes. In desperation, the Trids decided to ask the Rabbi for help.

So the next morning the Rabbi walked across the bridge several times but never saw the troll. He went home believing the troll had indeed moved on. When the Trids tried to cross the bridge afterward, the troll climbed up again and kicked the Trids back home. The Rabbi returned to the bridge and called out for the troll. When the troll appeared, the Rabbi asked why he was allowed to cross the bridge but not the Trids. The troll replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."


Porksta
GameTZ Subscriber 400 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally
22-Sep-2021(#39)
I wanted to do a chemistry joke but all the good ones argon.
Boss
GameTZ Subscriber 700 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (8) Secret Santa
22-Sep-2021(#40)


A man gets audited by the IRS and the auditor is not surprised when he arrives with his lawyer. As the men sit down the lawyer says, "Look, the reason my client is in this situation is because he is a terrible gambler."

"I am not a terrible gambler," the man replies. "I will make a bet right now. I bet you $1,000 that I can bite my own eye." he says to the auditor.

"You can't bite your own eye," the auditor replies. "I'll take your bet."

The man reaches up, removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor is in shock, he just bet this man $1,000 in front of a lawyer. The man however is generous.

"Ok, that wasn't really fair. You didn't know that I had a glass eye. So, for double or nothing I bet you I can bite my other eye."

The auditor is skeptical, but after careful examination determines that there is no way he has two glass eyes. "Fine, double or nothing, you cannot bite your other eye."

The man reaches into his mouth and pulls out his false teeth and carefully makes them bite down on his other eye.

The auditor is completely taken aback. How could he possibly be so dumb as to take that bet.

"Ok," the man says again. "You didn't know I had dentures, so I will give you one last chance. Double or nothing, I bet you I can stand on this side of your desk and piss over your desk and into that wastebasket without getting a single drop on your desk."

The auditor backs up and looks at the distance. There is no way the man could physically maintain a stream that could reach that distance. It had to be impossible.

"I have no choice," the auditor says. "I'll take the bet."

The man stands up, walks to the side of the desk and proceeds to piss all over the auditors desk, not a single drop reaching the wastebasket.

The auditor leaps from his seat and cheers his victory. The lawyer however, has his face in his hands, audibly groaning.

"Wait," the auditor says. "Why are you so upset?"

"Before we came in, he bet me $20,000 he could walk in here, piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it."

KCPenguins
Gold Good Trader
22-Sep-2021(#41)
Metroid and Zelda walk into a bar

The bartender says "that's not their name"
Bleed_DukeBlue
GameTZ Subscriber Triple Gold Good Trader
22-Sep-2021(#42)
Three prisoners stood in line to face a firing squad for their crimes. The first prisoner thought quickly and shouted "Tornado!" Everyone looked around at the sky for the tornado, and he ran away.

When it was the second prisoner's turn, he shouted, "Flood!" Everyone looked around their feet for signs of water, and the prisoner ran away.

The third prisoner walked to the line and confidently shouted "Fire!" They shot him.
MrBean
GameTZ Gold Subscriber 350 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (7) Has Written 1 Review
22-Sep-2021(#43)
benstylus wrote:
> What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?
>
> ...
>

Haha didn't get it till the second read, I chuckled.
MrBean
GameTZ Gold Subscriber 350 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (7) Has Written 1 Review
22-Sep-2021(#44)
sdwyer138 wrote:
> Did you know there actually is a difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
> .
> .
> .
> .
> No, what is the difference?
> .
> .
> .
> .
> I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

Hahaha this was good
citizen_zane
GameTZ Subscriber Triple Gold Good Trader
22-Sep-2021(#45)
MrBean wrote:
> sdwyer138 wrote:
>> Did you know there actually is a difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> No, what is the difference?
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
>
> Hahaha this was good

That one actually made me laugh.


theyrhere
GameTZ Subscriber 250 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Has Written 2 Reviews
23-Sep-2021(#46)
Forget about proof of vaccination, pretty soon you'll need proof of cow to get into a Tractor Supply.
Tony
Double Gold Good Trader
23-Sep-2021(#47)
The Pope flies into Washington and is met by a driver with a limo. The Pope tells the driver that he always loved driving and misses it because they never let him drive at the Vatican. He asks the driver if he can drive the limo. The driver is a good Catholic and can't refuse the Pope's request. The Pope gets behind the wheel and deftly drives the limo out of the airport, but once he gets out on the beltway he mistakes mph for kph and begins speeding. When he sees the lights of the patrol car in the mirror, he dutifully pulls the limo over to the side of the road. The officer is also a good Catholic and recognizes that the real Pope is driving the vehicle. He goes back to his patrol car and calls headquarters for instructions.
He shakily says, "I need help. I've stopped a limo out here and it is somebody really BIG."
"Have you stopped a Representative or a Senator?"
"No, sir. He's much bigger than them."
"Don't tell me you have stopped the President's limo."
"No, sir. He's even bigger than that."
"Son. Who do you think is in that limo that is more important than the President of these United States?"
"Sir, I'm not really sure who is in the limo, but I believe it has to be God because the Pope is His chauffeur!"
Tony
Double Gold Good Trader
23-Sep-2021(#48)
A short, skinny, timid little man goes into the circus tent and tells the ringmaster he has a great act and wants to join the circus. The ringmaster says, "Show me what you can do." The little man goes over the center pole of the tent, climbs the ladder up to the trapeze artist's platform, and jumps off. As he is plummeting to the ground, he begins to flap his arms wildly and just before he hits the ground he actually swoops away and begins flying. He flies a couple of loops around the top of the tent, does a few loops and dives, and finally lands in front of the ringmaster.
He asks the ringmaster, "Well, what do you think?"
The ringmaster looks at him dismissively and says, "That's your act? Bird imitations?"
benstylus
GameTZ Gold Subscriber GameTZ Full Moderator 550 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (9) Has Written 26 Reviews This user is on the site NOW (6 minutes ago)
23-Sep-2021(#49)
MrBean wrote:
> benstylus wrote:
>> What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?
>>
>> ...
> |>
>
> Haha didn't get it till the second read, I chuckled.

It's much easier to get when someone says it instead of reading it.
MrBean
GameTZ Gold Subscriber 350 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (7) Has Written 1 Review
23-Sep-2021(#50)
Gonna end tomorrow... So far there's a clear winner!
Porksta
GameTZ Subscriber 400 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally
23-Sep-2021(#51)
Glad to see I'm that far ahead.
citizen_zane
GameTZ Subscriber Triple Gold Good Trader
23-Sep-2021(#52)
This is a joke that was told to me by a clown named Smitty at a Culver's restaurant. So he's going around from table to table, conversing with customers for some reason. I have no idea why he was there, other than to promote himself. Anyway, he approaches our table and strikes up a conversation with my family. At one point he asks us if we could recommend a good veterinarian to him. When we said no and asked why, he pointed to his biceps and replied, "because these puppies are sick"!

Scott
GameTZ Subscriber 250 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally Has Written 2 Reviews
24-Sep-2021(#53)
MrBean wrote:
> Gonna end tomorrow... So far there's a clear winner!

If you pick that stupid Reddit joke I'm blocking you.
Johnny
350 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader
24-Sep-2021(#54)
My students love this joke. I made it up about 8 years ago and its always a hit.

What do you call an egg singing on stage for the first time?

Kari-YOLK-ee
Porksta
GameTZ Subscriber 400 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally
24-Sep-2021(#55)
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.
bonham2
600 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally Has Written 2 Reviews
24-Sep-2021(#56)
My wife recently had a stroke and was in a coma. I asked the doctor if there was anything I could do to help. He said, "It's a little unconventional, but you could try having oral sex with her." I was like, "come on, that's ridiculous." He says, "I know, but I've seen it work before." I figured, hey I'll try anything. So I went in there, and I was in there for about 5 minutes and came out and said, "Doc, she's choking."
Porksta
GameTZ Subscriber 400 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally
24-Sep-2021(#57)
Woman starts talking to her husband and let's him know she is thinking of getting breast implants. He says, try taking a piece of toilet paper every day and rubbing it on your breasts first. She replies will that work? Husband says, no clue but it worked on your ass.
Scott
GameTZ Subscriber 250 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally Has Written 2 Reviews
24-Sep-2021(#58)
bonham2 wrote:
> My wife recently had a stroke and was in a coma. I asked the doctor if there was
> anything I could do to help. He said, "It's a little unconventional, but you could
> try having oral sex with her." I was like, "come on, that's ridiculous." He says,
> "I know, but I've seen it work before." I figured, hey I'll try anything. So I went
> in there, and I was in there for about 5 minutes and came out and said, "Doc, she's
> choking."

But that's modern medicine for ya...
Archer
GameTZ Subscriber 500 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Has Written 1 Review
24-Sep-2021(#59)
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."

When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have ten left." The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."

Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.

I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"

A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."

Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!

A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."

lpeters82
250 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader
* 24-Sep-2021(#61)
Scott wrote:
> MrBean wrote:
>> Gonna end tomorrow... So far there's a clear winner!
>
> If you pick that stupid Reddit joke I'm blocking you.

Hey...I don't know why, bu that joke has me laughing every time.
Tony
Double Gold Good Trader
* 24-Sep-2021(#62)
A man is making in case in court for an insurance settlement. The judge says to the man, "The officer who responded to the call about your crash has sworn that you told him at the site of the accident that you were not injured. Now, you are asking reimbursement for multiple medical procedures. Would you like to explain yourself?"
The man replies, "Well Your Honor, on the day of the accident, I was driving my truck and pulling a trailer with my best mule Betsy in it. Another vehicle drove us off the road causing my truck and trailer to roll over into a ditch. I was knocked unconscious, but I woke up to the sound of a gunshot. The officer came to me in the truck and said, "I'm sorry, but your mule was badly injured. I had to put her down."
"Then he asked me if I was injured."
MrBean
GameTZ Gold Subscriber 350 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (7) Has Written 1 Review
24-Sep-2021(#63)
Porksta wrote:
> Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducks.

Haha
MrBean
GameTZ Gold Subscriber 350 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (7) Has Written 1 Review
24-Sep-2021(#64)
@Archer those feel like Mitch Hedberg type jokes, all awesome!
MrBean
GameTZ Gold Subscriber 350 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (7) Has Written 1 Review
24-Sep-2021(#65)
Scott wrote:
> MrBean wrote:
>> Gonna end tomorrow... So far there's a clear winner!
>
> If you pick that stupid Reddit joke I'm blocking you.

Ha, it was in the running!
MrBean
GameTZ Gold Subscriber 350 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (7) Has Written 1 Review
24-Sep-2021(#66)
sdwyer138 wrote:
> Did you know there actually is a difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
> .
> .
> .
> .
> No, what is the difference?
> .
> .
> .
> .
> I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.

This was the winner. I've already reused it several times. Loved it!

Welcome to gold badge status @sdwyer138
Archer
GameTZ Subscriber 500 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Has Written 1 Review
24-Sep-2021(#67)
MrBean wrote:
> @Archer those feel like Mitch Hedberg type jokes, all awesome!

Some of them are. And some of them are Steven Wright jokes.
sdwyer138
GameTZ Subscriber Quadruple Gold Good Trader
25-Sep-2021(#68)
MrBean wrote:
> sdwyer138 wrote:
>> Did you know there actually is a difference between a garbanzo bean and a chickpea?
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> No, what is the difference?
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> .
>> I've never had a garbanzo bean on my face.
>
> This was the winner. I've already reused it several times. Loved it!
>
> Welcome to gold badge status @sdwyer138

haha thanks! Judging by the negs it seems some don't agree with your decision.

I heard it from my ex-wife's step father. It's my go to when I think I can get away with it.
MSU_Dawg87
GameTZ Subscriber Gold Good Trader
25-Sep-2021(#69)
Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
It runs in your jeans
MrBean
GameTZ Gold Subscriber 350 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (7) Has Written 1 Review
25-Sep-2021(#70)
MSU_Dawg87 wrote:
> Did you know that diarrhea is hereditary?
> It runs in your jeans

Solid!... Well not literally...
Boss
GameTZ Subscriber 700 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (8) Secret Santa
* 25-Sep-2021(#72)
My favorite joke in this thread is the screaming muffin one. I heard it before and reading it again still makes me chuckle.

image
MrBean
GameTZ Gold Subscriber 350 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (7) Has Written 1 Review
25-Sep-2021(#73)
rayzor6
400 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Has Written 1 Review
28-Sep-2021(#74)
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court?

Because he heard the ref was blowing fowls.
MrBean
GameTZ Gold Subscriber 350 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (7) Has Written 1 Review
23-Jun(#75)
This was a fun topic, re-opening!

Same rules. Best joke gets a year of subtime!
metsfan718

(frozen)
23-Jun(#76)
I watched that mystery Adam Sandler movie on Netflix with my ex. We never finished the movie, but she finished me with her mouth.

Said that a few minutes ago in the GTZ discord.
citizen_zane
GameTZ Subscriber Triple Gold Good Trader
23-Jun(#77)
My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
Guess who came crawling back?

MrBean
GameTZ Gold Subscriber 350 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader Gold Global Trader (7) Has Written 1 Review
23-Jun(#78)
citizen_zane wrote:
> My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair.
> Guess who came crawling back?
>
>

Hahahaha, brutal
Johnny
350 Trade Quintuple Gold Good Trader
* 23-Jun(#79)
What do you call an egg singing on stage for the first time?

Karee-YOLK-ee

Made this joke up a decade ago while teaching. It's my go to joke now.
Broccoli
Triple Gold Good Trader Global Trader - willing to trade internationally Canada
23-Jun(#80)
What does every Tickle-Me-Elmo get before it leaves the factory?
.......

Two "test"tickles.

Topic   Tell a Joke Thread