A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, and the podiatrist's office says, "What seems to be the problem, moth?"
The moth says "What's the problem? Where do I begin, man? I go to work for Gregory Illinivich, and all day long I work. Honestly doc, I don't even know what I'm doing anymore. I don't even know if Gregory Illinivich knows. He only knows that he has power over me, and that seems to bring him happiness. But I don't know, I wake up in a malaise, and I walk here and there... at night I...I sometimes wake up and I turn to some old lady in my bed that's on my arm. A lady that I once loved, doc. I don't know where to turn to. My youngest, Alexendria, she fell in the...in the cold of last year. The cold took her down, as it did many of us. And my other boy, and this is the hardest pill to swallow, doc. My other boy, Gregarro Ivinalititavitch... I no longer love him. As much as it pains me to say, when I look in his eyes, all I see is the same cowardice that I... that I catch when I take a glimpse of my own face in the mirror. If only I wasn't such a coward, then perhaps...perhaps I could bring myself to reach over to that cocked and loaded gun that lays on the bedside behind me and end this hellish facade once and for all...Doc, sometimes I feel like a spider, even though I'm a moth, just barely hanging on to my web with an everlasting fire underneath me. I'm not feeling good. And so the doctor says, "Moth, man, you're troubled. But you should be seeing a psychiatrist. Why on earth did you come here?"
And the moth says, "'Cause the light was on."
Tbh I just wanted a reason to read that joke in text form.
I'm going to spoil the first episode of the upcoming Obi-Wan show for you. This message was given to me from a Disney employee, who personally saw the script.
In the beginning of episode 1, Obi-Wan beats his wife, because she wouldn't cook for him. Knowing that he would turn to the dark side if he didn't leave her, he packed up his things and left. We then discover that he moved to a house next to young Luke's, not only to protect him from the evil red hat wearing slave owners, but also to have sex with him.
Poor baby Luke, the force was really strong with Obi-Wan.
Guy #1: Hey, you wanna hear my Batman impersonation? Guy #2: Sure, let me hear it. Guy #1: [clears throat].... OH NO, KRYPTONITE!!!! AAAAAHHHH Guy #2: That's Superman... Guy #1: Thanks!! I've been working on it all week...
Three men are hiking when they stumble upon a old brass lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each of you three wishes."
The first guy immediately blurts out, "I want a billion dollars!" POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact one billion three dollars and fifty cents.
The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is in excess of a one hundred billion dollars.
The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating.
The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm.
Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him.
Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.
The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.
First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more.
Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay young forever." POOF, he looks younger already.
Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth for the rest of my life." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.
The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.
Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going.
First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years."
Second guy smiles and says "I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest person alive and I'm revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is wild in bed."
Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says:
Once upon a time, there were three kingdoms, all bordering on the same lake. For centuries, these kingdoms had fought over an island in the middle of that lake. One day, they decided to have it out, once and for all.
The first kingdom was quite rich, and sent an army of 25 knights, each with three squires. They were sent on 3 large ships and with 10 supply wagons. The second kingdom was not so wealthy, and sent only 10 knights, each with 2 squires on a single ship with 3 supply wagons. The third kingdom sent but a single elderly knight and squire on a row boat with but a sack full of provisions. The first night on the island all the knights were together sharing stories before the bloodshed when the elderly night say "Woe to ye, thieves on this island be." Ignoring the ramblings of the old man, the other knights and squires drank the night away while the elderly knight and his squire set camp elsewhere and hung a noose over a tree as a warning sign to the thieves.
The next day the drunken knights wake up to find all of their weapons and armor gone and are in a foul mood. They begin beating their squires for letting their property be taken but ultimately don't mind as the numbers are in their favor and the island will soon be theirs. Soon the knights of the first two kingdoms are reveling again when the elderly knight comes and says "thieves are not the only thing to worry about here, remember, this is called Rat Island. The knights laugh at the old fool, they never heard anyone call this rat island.
But unfettered the elderly night takes his squire once again on their own. They cook their remaining provisions and tie up the pot and hang it high in a tree so that the rats can't get to it.
That night rats got into the food of all the other kingdoms and left their foul droppings everywhere. Being disgusting medieval folk the knights don't care and within hours of eating the rate feces infested food all the knights are falling sick.
However it is the day of the battle. All the knights of the first two kingdoms had cavorted a bit too much and were too full of rat feces and could not fight. The squire of the third kingdom could not rouse the elderly knight in time for combat. So, in the absence of the knights, the squires fought.
The battle raged well into the late hours, but when the dust finally settled, a solitary figure limped from the carnage. The lone squire from the third kingdom dragged himself away, beaten, bloodied, but victorious.
And it just goes to prove, the squire of the high pot and noose is equal to the sum of the squires of the other two sides.
Jim walks over to his new neighbor Ronny's house and invites him over to a party he's having the next night. Ronny - "cool, I haven't been to a party in quite a while" Jim - "there's probably going to be quite a bit of drinking" Ronny - "great cause I haven't gotten drunk in ages" Jim - "probably gonna be some screwing" Ronny - "awesome, I need to get laid" Jim - "gotta warn ya though, there might be some fightin" Ronny - "ok, I haven't been in a brawl in years but I'm down. By the way, what should I wear?" Jim - "don't really matter, just gonna be me and you"
A backpacker is traveling through Ireland when it starts to rain. He decides to wait out the storm in a nearby pub. The only other person at the bar is an older man staring at his drink. After a few moments of silence the man turns to the backpacker and says in a thick Irish accent:
"You see this bar? I built this bar with my own bare hands. I cut down every tree and made the lumber myself. I toiled away through the wind and cold, but do they call me McGreggor the bar builder? No."
He continued "Do you see that stone wall out there? I built that wall with my own bare hands. I found every stone and placed them just right through the rain and the mud, but do they call me McGreggor the wall builder? No."
"Do ya see that pier out there on the lake? I built that pier with my own bare hands, driving each piling deep into ground so that it would last a lifetime. Do they call me McGreggor the pier builder? No."
One day, a boy walked into class late. "Why are you late?" The teacher asks. "I was on top of Cherry Hill." He takes his seat. 5 minutes later, another boy walks into class late. "Why are you late?" The teacher asks. "I was on top of Cherry Hill." He takes his seat. 5 minutes later, a girl walks into class late. "Now let me guess .. you were on top of Cherry Hill?" "No, I am Cherry Hill."
Two Irishmen are the only ones in a bar. One of them says, "Is that an Irish accent I'm hearin'?" The other one replies, "Born and raised there". The first one declares, "So was I. Bartender, I'd like to buy a beer for my countryman". The second Irishman says, "Thanks for the drink. By the way, where are you from in Ireland?" The first one says, "County Cork". "So was I! Bartender! Another round for my friend here." They go back and forth for awhile buying a beer for each other as they find they have a lot in common. Finally the phone rings. The bartender answers and after a moment he says, "No. Its pretty quiet here. Just the O'Malley twins - drunk as usual."
I once told a chemistry joke but there wasn't any reaction.
I had to look up the joke because all I remember is the punchline. I think there might be more than one version of this joke:
Every morning the Trids got up, ate breakfast, and marched over the bridge to Tridville to work. One morning, a troll moved in under the bridge. When the Trids tried to cross the bridge, the troll climbed up and kicked the Trids all the way back to their homes. The Trids decided to take the day off in hopes that the troll would go away, but the next morning the troll once again climbed up onto the bridge and kicked them back to their homes. In desperation, the Trids decided to ask the Rabbi for help.
So the next morning the Rabbi walked across the bridge several times but never saw the troll. He went home believing the troll had indeed moved on. When the Trids tried to cross the bridge afterward, the troll climbed up again and kicked the Trids back home. The Rabbi returned to the bridge and called out for the troll. When the troll appeared, the Rabbi asked why he was allowed to cross the bridge but not the Trids. The troll replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids."
A man gets audited by the IRS and the auditor is not surprised when he arrives with his lawyer. As the men sit down the lawyer says, "Look, the reason my client is in this situation is because he is a terrible gambler."
"I am not a terrible gambler," the man replies. "I will make a bet right now. I bet you $1,000 that I can bite my own eye." he says to the auditor.
"You can't bite your own eye," the auditor replies. "I'll take your bet."
The man reaches up, removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor is in shock, he just bet this man $1,000 in front of a lawyer. The man however is generous.
"Ok, that wasn't really fair. You didn't know that I had a glass eye. So, for double or nothing I bet you I can bite my other eye."
The auditor is skeptical, but after careful examination determines that there is no way he has two glass eyes. "Fine, double or nothing, you cannot bite your other eye."
The man reaches into his mouth and pulls out his false teeth and carefully makes them bite down on his other eye.
The auditor is completely taken aback. How could he possibly be so dumb as to take that bet.
"Ok," the man says again. "You didn't know I had dentures, so I will give you one last chance. Double or nothing, I bet you I can stand on this side of your desk and piss over your desk and into that wastebasket without getting a single drop on your desk."
The auditor backs up and looks at the distance. There is no way the man could physically maintain a stream that could reach that distance. It had to be impossible.
"I have no choice," the auditor says. "I'll take the bet."
The man stands up, walks to the side of the desk and proceeds to piss all over the auditors desk, not a single drop reaching the wastebasket.
The auditor leaps from his seat and cheers his victory. The lawyer however, has his face in his hands, audibly groaning.
"Wait," the auditor says. "Why are you so upset?"
"Before we came in, he bet me $20,000 he could walk in here, piss all over your desk and you would be happy about it."
The Pope flies into Washington and is met by a driver with a limo. The Pope tells the driver that he always loved driving and misses it because they never let him drive at the Vatican. He asks the driver if he can drive the limo. The driver is a good Catholic and can't refuse the Pope's request. The Pope gets behind the wheel and deftly drives the limo out of the airport, but once he gets out on the beltway he mistakes mph for kph and begins speeding. When he sees the lights of the patrol car in the mirror, he dutifully pulls the limo over to the side of the road. The officer is also a good Catholic and recognizes that the real Pope is driving the vehicle. He goes back to his patrol car and calls headquarters for instructions. He shakily says, "I need help. I've stopped a limo out here and it is somebody really BIG." "Have you stopped a Representative or a Senator?" "No, sir. He's much bigger than them." "Don't tell me you have stopped the President's limo." "No, sir. He's even bigger than that." "Son. Who do you think is in that limo that is more important than the President of these United States?" "Sir, I'm not really sure who is in the limo, but I believe it has to be God because the Pope is His chauffeur!"
A short, skinny, timid little man goes into the circus tent and tells the ringmaster he has a great act and wants to join the circus. The ringmaster says, "Show me what you can do." The little man goes over the center pole of the tent, climbs the ladder up to the trapeze artist's platform, and jumps off. As he is plummeting to the ground, he begins to flap his arms wildly and just before he hits the ground he actually swoops away and begins flying. He flies a couple of loops around the top of the tent, does a few loops and dives, and finally lands in front of the ringmaster. He asks the ringmaster, "Well, what do you think?" The ringmaster looks at him dismissively and says, "That's your act? Bird imitations?"
This is a joke that was told to me by a clown named Smitty at a Culver's restaurant. So he's going around from table to table, conversing with customers for some reason. I have no idea why he was there, other than to promote himself. Anyway, he approaches our table and strikes up a conversation with my family. At one point he asks us if we could recommend a good veterinarian to him. When we said no and asked why, he pointed to his biceps and replied, "because these puppies are sick"!
My wife recently had a stroke and was in a coma. I asked the doctor if there was anything I could do to help. He said, "It's a little unconventional, but you could try having oral sex with her." I was like, "come on, that's ridiculous." He says, "I know, but I've seen it work before." I figured, hey I'll try anything. So I went in there, and I was in there for about 5 minutes and came out and said, "Doc, she's choking."
Woman starts talking to her husband and let's him know she is thinking of getting breast implants. He says, try taking a piece of toilet paper every day and rubbing it on your breasts first. She replies will that work? Husband says, no clue but it worked on your ass.
A man walks into a magic forest and tries to cut down a talking tree. "You can't cut me down," the tree complains. "I'm a talking tree!" The man responds, "You may be a talking tree, but you will dialogue."
When I see the names of lovers engraved on a tree, I don't find it cute or romantic. I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.
A doctor walks into a room with a dying patient and tells him, "I'm sorry, but you only have ten left." The patient asks him, "Ten what, Doc? Hours? Days? Weeks?" The doctor calmly looks at him and says, "Nine."
Why can't orphans play baseball? They don't know where home is.
I started crying when dad was cutting onions. Onions was such a good dog.
My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, "You'll be next!" They soon stopped though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.
Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses. His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. "My friend isn't breathing," he shouts into the phone. "What should I do?" "Relax," the operator tells him. "I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There's silence, and then a gunshot. The guy gets back on the phone and says, "OK, now what?"
A kid decided to burn his house down. His dad watched, tears in his eyes. He put his arm around the mom and said, "That's arson."
Welcome back to Plastic Surgery Anonymous. Nice to see so many new faces here today!
A guy walks with a young boy into the woods. The boy turns to him and says, "Hey mister, it's getting really dark and I'm scared." The man replies, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."
A man is making in case in court for an insurance settlement. The judge says to the man, "The officer who responded to the call about your crash has sworn that you told him at the site of the accident that you were not injured. Now, you are asking reimbursement for multiple medical procedures. Would you like to explain yourself?" The man replies, "Well Your Honor, on the day of the accident, I was driving my truck and pulling a trailer with my best mule Betsy in it. Another vehicle drove us off the road causing my truck and trailer to roll over into a ditch. I was knocked unconscious, but I woke up to the sound of a gunshot. The officer came to me in the truck and said, "I'm sorry, but your mule was badly injured. I had to put her down." "Then he asked me if I was injured."